UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are terrified by the dawning realization that Rep. Mike Johnson is the adult in the room, millions of Americans have confirmed.
Across the country, residents of the United States were initially cheered by the possibility that an adult was in the room, but were immediately shattered by the discovery that said adult was Rep. Johnson.
In particular, they wondered what sort of adult would deny the outcome of a legitimate election, believe that the separation of church and state is a myth, and declare that same-sex marriage is a “dark harbinger of chaos and sexual anarchy that could doom even the strongest republic.”
While a substantial number of Americans conceded that the Speaker of the House appears to be an adult when compared with Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, or Matt Gaetz, they disagreed that such a dubious distinction earns him even a remote claim to adulthood.
All in all, there seems to be a broad consensus that, if Mike Johnson is in fact the adult in the room, the room is totally screwed.